Are We There Yet? Staying Present in a Future-Oriented World

Mount Tallac

At age 14, my son groused, “We’re always getting ready for the next thing.  In high school, they’re getting us ready for college.  In college, you’re getting ready for a career.  In your career, you’re preparing for retirement.  So in retirement, you’re preparing for what – death?”  Good point.  We are often so busy getting ready for the next thing, or saying “I will be happy, I will slow down when this happens” – whatever this may be, that we miss out on what’s right in front of us.  We’re missing life.  Our lives shouldn’t be just some endless preparation for the next stage.   Our lives are happening right now, if we just slow down, take a breath, and see what’s right in front of us.

Are We There Yet?

Our culture is future-oriented:  work hard in school so you can get into a good college, work hard in college so you can get a good job, work hard at your job so you can retire.  With all this working toward and focusing on the future, there isn’t much room for enjoyment of what is here, right now.  Most of us spend a great deal of our lives looking forward to being there – some undefined place that we’re trying to get to.  A time and place where everything is perfect.  Trouble is, there can rob us of here.

Let’s say that your ideal there involves losing ten pounds and earning more money.  What are the feelings associated with these goals?  Would you feel healthy, secure, relaxed, energized?  What can you do to have more of these feelings in your life right now?  What can you focus your attention on right now – and what can you let go of – to bring more of these good feelings into your life?  Happiness is more an internal state than a goal outside of ourselves, which we hope to achieve “someday”. 

The Problem of Perfection

Perfectionism is the domain of the false self.  The “false self” is the person we put out there, keeping up appearances, looking for praise and affirmation.  When we were little, we may have felt truly valued only when we did something to please others: good grades, good behavior.  This leaves most of us with a desire to appear “good” and perfect.  Feeling vulnerable is scary.  Keeping up appearances is like putting on our armor: we feel safe, encased in a shell of accomplishment, of a correct and polished exterior. Most people who want things to be perfect are looking from the outside in – does my house, car, work, kids, body appear perfect to the outside world?  We set impossibly high standards and then berate ourselves when we don’t meet them. 

For a perfectionist, nothing is good enough.  What a perfect recipe for unhappiness and dissatisfaction.  We turn everything into work, a chore.  Even what is supposed to be fun, we often turn it into a competitive pursuit: Is he a better tennis player than I am?  Are her kids smarter, cuter, better adjusted?  Social media exacerbates the problem – it’s about self-presentation.  We post our best photos, our most exciting moments, our envy-inducing vacation.  We can become all about the image, the presentation, the false self.  Research has demonstrated that many people feel more depressed after spending time on Facebook, which leads to unnecessary and unrealistic comparisons.  When we compare ourselves to other people, we are usually comparing our worst moments with their best ones. 

Who are we putting on a show for?  Rather than striving for perfection from the outside, let’s look within.  How we are feeling in any given moment is more important than how we appear to the outside world.  What’s going on internally in this moment?  Am I free to be myself?  Seek out situations, work, and relationships where you can be true to who you are and to your own inner experience.  Be brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a safe place, with a safe person.  Connect with those around you.  Reach out.  Perfect doesn’t really exist.  When we strive to appear perfect, we are not allowing ourselves to be real. 

“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in” - Leonard Cohen

Enough is Enough

Not knowing when we have enough is a root cause of a great deal of the problems we face, both as individuals and as a society.  The culture of materialism is sapping our energy and draining our bank accounts as well as our planet’s resources.

As we get more, we come to expect more.  The size of homes has increased greatly in the last fifty years.  As this larger living space becomes the new normal, we come to want even more, an even bigger space, more closets for all the new things we want to acquire.  Buying too many things puts our financial lives in jeopardy.  Our possessions end up owning us, as we devote more time, energy, money, and space to store and maintain them. So why do we do it?  Think for a moment about why you might tend to overeat or overspend.  It can be comforting; it can feel good at the time.  Can we find other sources of comfort and relief? 

Research shows that once we have sufficient money for basic needs, more money doesn’t necessarily add more happiness to our lives.  Lottery winners, after the initial elation of having all this money, often return to their prior level of happiness within about eight weeks of winning the lottery.  We are seeing a spike in depression, suicide, and other emotional and psychiatric disorders in affluent teens.  Having “more” doesn’t necessarily bring us more happiness. 

When is it enough –enough money, enough stuff, enough food, enough love and affirmation?  When can we stop the pursuit?  This takes us back to being present – if you stop and listen, pay attention, tune in to your body, you will know when you are full.  You will know that “this is enough”.  You will enjoy the feeling of being satisfied and grateful for what you have instead of wanting more, more, more. 

Anxiety and Fear

“What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness?” 

– John Steinbeck

We tend to label feelings of joy, gratitude, and relaxation as “positive” emotions and call anger, nervousness, or fear “negative”.  However, these “negative” emotions serve a protective function in our lives.  The primary job of the human brain is to keep us alive – which is why we are more tuned in to negative input from our environment than positive.  Our brains are like overprotective parents, on the lookout for every potential threat and danger.  This can lead us to have an unbalanced view of our worlds – the bad stuff sticks and the good slides right off.  Practice looking for and attending to the good stuff.  

ACT, or “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,” is particularly effective for anxiety.  Rather than fighting your anxiety, the idea is to just accept it as a normal and even healthy part of your life.  The commitment part of ACT involves staying committed to your values – what is important to you, what do you want in your life?  If close relationships are important to you, then accept your anxiety but stay committed to this value of connection with others – don’t allow the anxiety to keep you from meeting people and connecting with them. 

If you are anxious about a job interview or a date, is your anxiety helping you at this moment, or is it keeping you from something that you want?  Let yourself feel anxious or fearful, or whatever it is you’re feeling – just don’t allow it to keep you from what you really want and know is good for you.  Athletes often feel anxious before a big race or event, and will recast their nerves as feelings of excitement, being “pumped” and ready to go.  Physical activity can also help get rid of some of that excess adrenaline.  Go for a walk, run, or swim to release some of the tension.  Acknowledge that your feelings are legitimate and serve a purpose in your life – and that you will use them to energize you, not to keep you from what you really want.

Moving Meditation

Taking better care of yourself is essential to stress management, particularly getting some exercise.  What’s that?  Do you hate to exercise?  I don’t believe it – I think that you can find some form of exercise you enjoy.  Why?  Because our bodies were designed to engage in and enjoy physical activity, they simply weren’t designed to sit in a desk chair or on a couch for extended periods every day. Study after study shows that exercise is an excellent tool for managing depression and anxiety, addictions, attention deficit disorder, and more. 

Let’s look at exercise and stress management.  When you are stressed and anxious, your body kicks in to “fight-or-flight” mode: your heart beats faster, your breathing quickens, and your body is flooded with adrenaline.  Trouble is, most of the problems that stress us out today don’t involve fighting or running away – we panic because of a first date, an exam in school – situations where fighting or running away usually aren’t good options.  All of this pent-up adrenaline has no release, nowhere to go – unless we work exercise into our lives.  Physical activity gives your body the chance to process and release this adrenaline.  You feel calmer, happier, and buoyant.  Additionally, it increases the flow of blood to the brain, sharpening our minds.  Physical activity helps us feel better and think better – losing a few pounds is just a side benefit!  Even if you don’t like exercise, you may find that you love the feeling you get afterexercising.  As author Dorothy Parker famously said, “I hate writing. I like having written”.  You may feel the same way about physical activity – you love having exercised.  It’s a great way to start your day in the morning, or to wind down in the evening.

Exercise doesn’t have to mean that you’re scaling El Capitan or skiing double black diamonds – how about starting with a walk around the block?  While you are walking, be present.  Look around; enjoy the fresh air and your surroundings.  After a few weeks, try walking faster, or mix it up by tackling a hiking trail. Exercise keeps us in the present moment as few other activities do. 

You are Here

You are already here – start making the most of your life, here and now.  Take care of yourself, work exercise into your day.  Try meditating, even if it’s just a few minutes a day.  You are the architect of your own life – you design it, build it, create it.  Perhaps some parts of your life that are irritating or annoying, you could learn to let go of, to turn your focus on something else, to do what you have to do, and then move on.  Other parts of your life might need more work to get you where you want to go.  What is one thing that you would like to be different about your life at the end of this year?  What is one thing that you could do differently this week, starting today, to bring you a little bit closer to where you want to be? 

When the San Francisco Giants won the 2014 World Series, outfielder Hunter Pence stated that during the season he kept “picturing myself at the victory parade”.  Visualizing your end goal helps you move in the direction of that goal – you can see what you are working toward.  Discover the joy of being present and living your life, right now – in all its beautiful chaos and complexity.